Life is NOT Black and White

Last week was hard.

On Monday, I was reveling in the highest of highs having kicked off my first ever Deep Thinkers Retreat.  It was everything I dreamed of and MORE!  Their courage and openness were the foundation of massive shifts, ahas, and belly laughs.  We started as strangers and left as a family who will be supporting each other for the next year on life’s journey.  (The picture captures the essence of the Deep Thinkers Retreat)

On Tuesday, little did I know would need their support too and so soon.

In one of the group meditations during the retreat, I heard a clear message “GO HOME.”

I knew I was going home to support JD, my bonus dad who raised me, with a medical procedure after the retreat.  Because the procedure had turned from something major to something less invasive, my parents said don’t worry about coming home until later in the week when I was to be taking my precious niece and their friend to Taylor Swift.  (And no, having to go to Taylor Swift was not the rough part I was referring to ;))

Getting such a powerful message in meditation made me panic momentarily thinking I needed to get home earlier as something bad might happen to JD.  I also knew that my interpretation could be wrong.  And in this case, I prayed really hard that it was.

I still listened (always a good idea to listen to our inner wisdom) and flew home the day after my retreat instead of taking a few days to recover only to learn my biological father, Dutch, was also in the hospital.  (I am still in complete awe at the message I got so clearly in my meditation).

I found myself navigating two different hospitals and layers and layers of complicated choices and feelings.

With JD, it was easy.  I was there to support him and would do anything for him and my mom.  Fortunately, JD’s procedure was a wild success and he is doing great.

With Dutch, it is a lot more complicated.  He is still trying to get strong enough to go home and I am trying to figure out how much I do to help.  We have a history that includes a lot of grit.  This grit has required me to create healthy boundaries so we can even have a relationship.  He also makes lifestyle choices that do not align with my values.  While I can love and accept him just the way he is, trying to navigate my boundaries and how much to do in a vulnerable time for him is hard for me.  Really hard because I want to be loving to both of us.  It is times like these I wish I had a rule book to tell me what to do.

What I have realized is that I need to make choices that will feel good about in the future.  And, quite honestly, I am still figuring out what those are.

Life is not black and white.  There is a lot of gray.  And, it’s absolutely okay for it to feel scary, crummy, messy, or anything else.  I shucking love you any which way.  (And, I am saying that to myself too ;))

And if you are navigating anything challenging in your life and would like some help to gain more confidence and clarity.  Let me know.  I am here for you.

A HUGE thanks to my parents, Deep Thinkers Group and Shucking Community for your love and support through the gray!!!